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Talking to Children about Since the terrorist attacks of Before Talking to Children •Before talking to children about war, parents need to take time to
reflect on their personal and family backgrounds and the experiences of
their neighbors, school, and community in terms of war, trauma, and loss.
Each family is unique. Many families and communities are affected directly
by war and the threat of terrorism and many children may have immediate
concerns regarding the safety of family members. Children and families
directly affected by mobilization for war deserve special attention and
support at this time, as well as a strong sense of respect from their
peers, schools, and communities. If at all possible, it is important for
parents to be calm in their communications with their children and, in
times of distress, model constructive ways to cope together as a family.
If because of the direct effect on a family, parents express
understandable distress, they should take time in a calmer moment to
reassure their children that the parent is there to help the child with
any of their difficult emotions. It is important to communicate to all children, in appropriate
language, that war is serious. It is also important to explain that war is
intended to be protective, to prevent bad things from happening in the
future. How parents talk to
children about war varies according to the age and circumstances of the
child, family, and community. Who Should Initiate the Discussion? •Parents should establish an atmosphere of closeness and support
that will set the stage for children to come to them with worries or
concerns. Most schoolaged children and adolescents are likely to be aware
of public discussions of war. Parents can acknowledge this reality without
forcing a discussion. By being open to listening to their children,
parents can help correct needless worries and concerns. Adults who work
with children in schools and afterschool programs can also help monitor
rumors and correct misconceptions. Talking to Children of All Ages For younger children, parents should serve as a buffer or
“protective shield” against unnecessary information, including
conversations or disagreements between adults, as well as media coverage
and images related to war. Young children tend to bring the perceived
danger closer to home. Parents can help young children understand that war
is very serious, but they do not need to worry about something happening
in their own neighborhood. Ideas of safety and security need to be
strongly reinforced. Parents should also help younger children make sense
of what they hear from older children and siblings. •
School-aged children, especially boys, can be fascinated and
preoccupied by war, weapons, and strategy. Parents can help school-aged
childrenunderstand the seriousness of war and reinforce the importance of
respecting rules regarding safety and interpersonal behavior. Children may
have many questions. These should be addressed directly and simply at a
level they can understand. Children may be worried about personal safety
as well as the well-being of family, peers, and other adults (e.g.,
teachers, coaches, instructors). Helping them understand that our
nation’s leaders are working hard to assure the safety of our country
and of our military is important. Consider activities that support military families and their
communities, like sending letters of support to Department of Defense
schools where many children of military families attend and schools and
communities where National Guard and reserves have been mobilized. Studies
have shown that when we feel we are helping, we improve our coping and
reduce our distress. •
Adolescence is a time of increased independence from parents and
more reliance on peers. In terms of war, more complex, motivational issues
may come into play. Adolescents may be thinking about the war in the
context of their own futures, and they can express a variety of thoughts,
opinions, and feelings of vulnerability related to the threat of war.
Parents should also be aware of viewpoints expressed by adolescents’
role models. Adolescents may be spending more time talking with their
peers than with their parents. Therefore, use opportunities to acknowledge world events in the
course of watching news, over dinner, or other appropriate times the
parent and adolescent are together. Help adolescents to understand that
these are serious times; parents should be open to listening in a
respectful manner to what their adolescents would like to say and what
they are hearing from their friends. It is very important for parents to
caution their adolescents about reckless or risk taking behaviors and to
reinforce the important contribution of constructive community service
activities. It is important to reconfirm that this is a war against the current Iraqi government and the dangers it represents. Parents need to sensitively acknowledge and validate children’s compassion for the impact on Iraqi civilians. Parents may need to take time to discuss that people with similar characteristics (e.g., religion, culture, ethnic background) are NOT the enemy and should continue to be treated with respect. Parents and school personnel of school-age children and adolescents may need to monitor hateful talk and actions. Remember, parents and teachers are role models at all times for children, and children will mirror their actions and comments.
Children Who Might Need Special Attention Some children might be particularly vulnerable to anxiety and
distress during a time of war. This includes children of refugee or
immigrant families; children with depression, anxiety, or other mental
health needs; and children who have experienced prior trauma or loss. For
children who have experienced prior losses, anxiety about war could result
in increased worries about separation. Children with histories of trauma
could experience a resurgence of symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder
(PTSD). Therefore, it is important for parents and school personnel to
keep in mind children’s vulnerabilities in understanding their response
to concern about war and to consider any extra needs they may have.
Military families will be taking extra time to support children and
address their concerns about family members at risk. Parents should
acknowledge the child’s feelings of vulnerability, worries, and fears,
but also give them “permission” to enjoy themselves in their normal
activities. Older children may have peers with whom they can discuss
events and feelings. This can be encouraged; however, it does not replace
discussions with parents. Different family members maybe reminded in
different situations about the absence of and dangers faced by their
family members. Families should create a way in which any child knows how
to get extra support at any time. There are special times when children
are more vulnerable, like bedtime or during activities when they would
miss their family member when extra support is important. Parents of children of Middle Eastern descent may need to take
extra time to discuss how world events and war may impact their relations
with peers. Keeping open communication is important to address any
potential bullying or other negative actions directed toward the children.
Parents also should maintain good communications with their children’s
schools. If families continue to have relatives in the regions likely to
be involved in the fighting, parents should be open to discussing their
children’s concerns related to the safety of their relatives and
friends, and to acknowledge how difficult it is to worry. Monitoring Children’s Exposure to the Media •Television news coverage of preparations for war and combat and its aftermath may be disturbing to children. Much TV news footage is composed of brief and vivid exposures—a flash of a building burning, the sound of gunfire and of injured people screaming for aid. This kind of material can elicit fear and arouse anxiety in children. If parents allow young children to watch news coverage of war events, they should watch it with them in order to answer questions, explain, and discuss. Even news commentary can include wording or images that can be distressing for children. Sharing Your Own Opinions and Beliefs Parents can reveal their own beliefs about the war to their
children. Parents of adolescents in particular should try to understand
and respect their children’s views about war, even if those views differ
from their own. People can have strong and differing opinions about
momentous events such as war, especially in a democracy. Parents should
use caution, however, in engaging in intense disagreements between
themselves in front of their children. The tone of parental discussions
can sometimes frighten young children, if parents express their views in
an angry or aggressive manner. When discussing beliefs and opinions with
children, do so in a calm, direct way. Parents of older children may
acknowledge their own preoccupations with war and world events that may
result in lapses of attention. At the same time, they can provide
reassurance to children who might be able to sense their parents’
worries and withdrawal. Parents of younger children need to carefully
monitor reactions, as young children sensing this withdrawal may be
increasingly and unnecessarily worried and afraid. How to Foster Resilience in the Face of War During war, it is important for all families to spend extra time
together and “stay connected.” Parents should talk with and hug their
children. It is not “life as usual,” even if daily routines are not
visibly interrupted. In addition, parents and other caregivers should
provide support for each other. It is also important for children and
families to take constructive steps to reach out or strengthen existing
connections to their community. Many families will want to reinforce their
religious supports and values. This kind of “social glue” can beeven
more important during time of war. In this time of concern over terrorism, it is important for parents
and children to calmly revisit family emergency plans and preparation.
Parents should also refamiliarize themselves with their children’s
school’s plans as well. It is helpful to remind an anxious child of the
many ways in which people came together after September 11 and our
nation’s continued efforts to protect and provide safety.
Through funding from the Center for Men al
Health Services, Substance Abuse and Men al Health Services
Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the National
Child Traumatic S ess Network has established a Terrorism and Disaster
Branch. Among the leaders of he Terrorism and Disaster Branch are
nationally recognized experts in working with children and families under
many differen war circumstances. Our national Network of 37 sites
nationwide stands ready to provide information and support to local
communities and to assist military families. For more information about the National Child
Traumatic Stress Network and its Terrorism and Disaster Branch, visit our web site at www.NCTSNet.org. Drafted
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